I would exaggerate if I say that I understand what drug addicts go through in withdrawal. I don't! I can only imagine it's even worse than what I am feeling right now. I have no clue on how to explain this to you. It's the logical thing what is happening ... after amputation and phantom pain there has to be withdrawal. It's hard. It's like you want to get back to how things were before, when you didn't make up your mind to give up the DRUG. In the beginning the DRUG gave you an amazing feeling of well-being. But, little by little, this DRUG of yours ... became part of your life and your body couldn't live without it. Every time you decided you want to stop it wasn't possible anymore because your body was asking for it. But then ... you discovered that the DRUG provoked a gangrene in your body. So, there was nothing else that you could do but to amputate. I have already explained how hard was to make up my mind in this matter. Then ... there was the phantom pain. The unreal/real pain! But all these come with withdrawal. About now the DRUG is out of your system, but the mind is still infected, the mind is still telling you how much you need it and how you cannot function without it. In some cases, it becomes more physical. The brain sends some information to the entire body: you get fever, your tremble, you feel like life is flowing out of your body, you seem incapable of breathing. Bottom line is: YOU NEED THE DRUG!!! You crave for that DRUG. Then you'll do whatever it takes to get the DRUG again. You're obviously not thinking clearly. You're no longer rational. You don't remember all the bad things happening to you because of the DRUG. You don't even remember the damage ... the amputation due to the use of that DRUG. You don't care anymore. All you want is to go, find that DRUG and use it, just like before. That will make you happy, that will calm your body and mind. Truth to be told: it's a lie that you can stop whenever you want. Some things are meant not to be tried out, because if they are tried they create an addiction. I thought I am strong. I've seen people in withdrawal. And then I've heard the same people saying:"One last cigarette!" "One last drink!" "One last time!" There is no such thing like "one last...” After that "one last" there is another one and another one until you can't remember how many there have been. So, I thought I was strong. I thought I am different. That is why I decided to try it. Unfortunately I wasn't strong enough and I ended on the edge, bouncing back and forward. I am in withdrawal. It's a while now since I cut out all the evil, the entire gangrened limb. The phantom pain is still there. I dream about being whole again. I dream about myself ... from before the addiction. I know there is no chance of going back to how I was, because there are consequences to take care of. I am sorry, vert sorry for how things turned out to be, but eventually I have to go on with my life: it's not how I imagined it to be, it's how I built it. Even if the drug and the addiction are mentally, that doesn't make it less real or less painful. Withdrawal ... if you haven't been strong in the beginning, you really need to be strong now. Cas from withdrawal you either come out clean or dead.
Camelia Sighiartau
