Remorse

  

I’ve been talking about this before. It’s not a subject that can easily empty of all meanings. Recently I’ve been thinking about it – again and then again and again. I feel remorse. I feel like I am disappointing God over and over again. I feel like I am slipping slowly on a slope that will soon get me in a deep dark place. It’s horrible, the feeling! It’s like there is absolutely nothing you can do, but in the same time you hope, you really hope that at some point His hand will just get you and stop you right when you’re about to go over the cliff.

I somehow understand the people who cannot stop on their own. I am fighting myself with the break. Right now it just seems that the break is broken and I lost all control of the vehicle. The crash is eminent. I mean how on earth you can avoid complete crash on a slippery road in a car with broken break? You can’t. I know the feeling. I know that somehow it’s comforting knowing that at the end of the slope you’re done, and then there’s only one way to go: UP. But I also know all the other thoughts crossing your mind. For example, what is by the time you reach the bottom it is already too late for you to go UP again? Or, how can I still stand up after all this? I know. I am there asking all these questions.

I know that it is extremely difficult to decide what to do. I know that you said multiple times that you will stop doing the wrong thing, or that you will stop thinking the wrong thoughts, or stop going to all those wrong places. But you can’t. And all you feel in the morning is remorse and you feel helpless. Then, you are wondering whether God is still there waiting for you to come back or He just got tired of waiting and abandoned you forever. This last thought freezes you mind. You are afraid to even consider it because that voice in your head is telling you it is really possible. You have done enough to embarrass God and that you’d better just give up.

I know! I always said that if I am not used as a positive example at least people can learn from my mistakes. But now I think that all that I am going through it’s just to help me understand you – the people on the slope. You can only know what to say or what to do when you already passed through that experience.

I am still questioning. I am still hoping to have His hand catching me. I cannot lose that hope. I don’t want to listen to the voice telling me God doesn’t care for me anymore. He has proven me different many times.

The catch to it is that at some point we need to really STOP. And then just leave it stopped. You can’t? It’s hard? It seems impossible? Prayer doesn’t help? I know. But I also know that we have an almighty God! Between these two … I chose the almighty God. And I am gonna keep staying on this side, knowing that in order to do this I need to fight against my worst enemy: myself!   

Camelia Sighiartau